How To Help a Grieving Friend

Hello dear friends! Let me first say Merry Christmas from our family to yours! Please be sure to give your loved ones an extra hug or "I Love You" today. Enjoy this beautiful season with them while it's here.

Recently, a friend came to me asking how to help a grieving loved one who had lost her 6 month old baby. As I prepared to write her back, it occurred to me that these thoughts may be of value to anyone in this position - thus, the purpose of this public blog post. While I think it would be impossible to come up with an exhaustive list, my thoughts may at least help guide in the general direction.

When you have a grieving friend:

1. Don't hesitate to talk about the person who has passed away. My sister LOVED to talk about Enzo - and she still does. When people deliberately avoided his name, she felt they weren't respecting his life. The pain was there when she would talk about him; but it hurt more when she didn't or felt she couldn't talk about him. It was one way of expressing and working through her grief. 
2. Initiate taking care of their practical needs. Sometimes the most brainless and mundane tasks become impossible to a soul paralyzed by grief. Start driving their kids to school, making them dinner once a week, or cleaning their bathrooms. After Enzo's death, one friend of my parents' came over, picked up their dirty laundry and brought it back later that day all clean and folded.  The thing is, if you have a specific idea for how you can help, tell them you want to - and if they will let you, do it. Simply asking, "how can I help you?" - although well meant - is a question they may not be able to answer. Not only are they overwhelmed by everything, but some may fear being a "burden" on others
3. Be there AFTER all the activity has died down. Many, many people will surround the family in the activity of the initial shock with the funeral, meals, etc. - but there comes a time where inevitably, people move on with their own lives. Kate once said that at the very beginning (during all that activity) you can feel numb and not realize the depth of the loss. But soon there comes a time when the grief is unbearable - and this is when others have moved on. This is the hardest time. "How dare the world continue to turn when my heart hurts this bad?" Also, remember that grieving looks different for everyone. I personally found it helpful to research the stages of grieving BUT those are only a helpful tool - you cannot put people in a box with their grief, and it WILL be unpredictable.
4. PRAY FOR THEM. This sounds cliche, but truly it's the only thing to do when you can do nothing else. Ask God to give you pictures, words of encouragement and scriptures you can pass along to your grieving friend. One time I was praying for Kate as she was in her lowest valley of despair. I asked the Lord to show me a picture of her heart. And He did! It was of a very, very black night, but I could make out the shape of a low flat grassy hill. As I watched the horizon over that hill, I saw the sun very slowly begin to rise and give light to the entire world. I felt the sun was going to rise in her heart again soon - and when I told her this, she clung on to it.
5. Keep reminding them of the truth that God loves them and has a beautiful plan for their lives. Give them hope for the future, but acknowledge that right now they can't see it. Even when they don't feel it, the reminders will sink in and pave the way for the truth to take root in their heart after the lowest valley has been conquered. Know that you don't have to answer their questions - chiefly "why?" - but you can just sit there and let them ask them anyway.  
6. Finally, sometimes it's okay to just be silent with them if you don't know what to say. Cry with them. Let your heart break with theirs. Avoid saying things such as, "He is now an angel in Heaven" (NOT true anyway, according to the Bible), and "God just needed him up in Heaven more than you needed him here," or (for miscarriage and stillbirth) "Maybe there was something wrong with the baby and God spared you from it." While most people are well intentioned when they say these things, they are insensitive, ignorant of truth and don't help the situation at all.

Nostalgia for one year ago

Forgive me for another post similar to the last one... but today I woke up and the first things on my heart were what happened after the accident last year. Once again, the memories begged to be set free from the trap of my mind.

But first, I had to look up the word nostalgia. I love this word probably because I carry so much of it with me all the time. Put it together with the fact that I am good with dates, and it seems that every week of the year there is something that I remember and become nostalgic about from some earlier point in my life (even as far back as childhood). One of the definitions is, "a wistful desire to return in thought or in fact to a former time in one's life."

I don't know that I ever desire to return to these memories, but I really enjoy basking in the glow of them. Interesting that I should be so nostalgic about a living nightmare that we entered last year. I am concluding that it's the good things I am feeling nostalgic for - the way family and friends rallied around us, the way Christ's love was all-consuming, the way all other things in life just faded away and didn't matter.

Ok, so back to my musings about one year ago today, October 7th. It was the day between the accident and Enzo's official death.

One year ago, Todd and Kate did not leave Enzo's bed side. They didn't sleep or eat. They refused medical care for themselves. They cried and prayed all day long over their baby's body on life support. The medical staff did all sorts of tests on Enzo to find any sign of brain activity. No matter what they did, they could find none at all. Initially the doctors told us it would get worse before it got better. Unfortunately, the worse was well here and it would not be getting better (we still had hope though). But through this day, Todd and Kate never, ever gave up. They refused to believe what the doctors told them. They never, ever gave up.

One year ago, Amy went to the hospital for good parts of the day to just be there and relay information to us. News stations from Seattle began calling and doing phone interviews. Amy was even willing to do a face to face interview, although it never happened because Enzo's tests were giving such hopeless results to us.

In Detroit, Elisabeth was in the middle of a rigorous school schedule, but still bought a plane ticket to be flying out the next day. I know how much she was sacrificing by taking time away from her her studies to come.

And here in Colorado, in perhaps one of the biggest displays of love in this whole ordeal, my best friend Michelle offered to leave her family for a few days to make the long drive up to Washington with me (1500 miles) since my husband was out of the country. Through this journey, the miracle of Enzo's sunset happened on the next day (you may read it here: http://baby-zo.blogspot.com/2010/10/story-behind-zos-sunset.html).

This day was a day caught between hope and fear - the doctors were saying he would not live, but we knew the God of miracles might provide one here. It was hard to eat, hard to sleep, hard to do much of anything being strung so tightly between two extremes.

So why would I be so nostalgic about such a stressful, tension filled day like this? Maybe because I look back and see God's total and complete faithfulness. I imagine that befuddles the minds of some - how can God be faithful when he let our littlest family member die? I don't have an easy answer to that, but I encourage you to read God's Word. Trust your life to his care and when your valleys come, He will walk through them with you.

My beautiful friend Karen showed me this video yesterday. It was a song that kept her going in her own valley several years ago - enjoy. :)

At this moment, one year ago....

I happen to be feeling very contemplative at the moment and I just looked down at the clock to realize it is exactly around the time that, one year ago, the car accident happened.

One year ago, Kate was spinning. Hearing the sounds of shattering glass and crunching metal and - of her husband screaming.

On year ago, my parents were relaxing at home and receiving a phone call. Hearing Todd panicking that Zozo wasn't breathing... and began racing to the scene of the accident. My mom didn't even stop to put on her shoes.

One year ago, my phone rang and I knew something bad was on the other end. All I heard was hysterical sobbing and had to ask the caller to repeat what was said... my body began to shake from deep inside...

One year ago, my sister Amy was not answering her phone as I tried again and again and again to call... she finally called back after awhile after seeing so many missed calls to hear "WHERE have you been?!" I can still hear the shock in her voice to be greeted in such a way. :)

One year ago, my sister Elisabeth was awakened from a sound sleep when my phone call came through... and didn't get much sleep the rest of the night.

One year ago today, this blog was born... and had 20,000 hits in the first 36 hours of it's life. One year later, it has almost 70,000 hits and has touched dozens of lives (that we know of) - maybe more.  When I began this blog, I thought it would just be for family members and close friends to keep posted on Enzo's condition. At that point, we thought he would be fine after awhile. This blog was supposed to simply keep people updated on his long road of recovery we knew was ahead.

Little did we know this blog would turn into a journal of grief, a testimony to God's faithfulness through our valley of the shadow of death. Little did we know an entire community, plus hundreds more people around the globe, would follow this story and rally around our family.

Thank you to everyone reading this. Thank you for following our journey and for allowing us to rant, rave and share our deepest feelings of the soul here.

My prayer is that this will encourage you for your own journey in life. That you will see God for who he is - faithful, loving, solid rock, our everything. Today a good friend said this to me: "the God who makes walking through the valley possible."

Indeed.

My Sister, My Hero

I was having trouble posting here, so I will just attach the link instead... a picture from Enzo's Memorial Service says a thousand words.
To read this post, see my other blog: http://beautywisdomseeker.com/2011/09/22/my-sister-my-hero/

:) ~Auntie Melissa

Justice

Dearest loved ones, today was the day that justice has been served for our Enzo's life.

This morning, the driver of the other vehicle was sentenced to three years in prison. You can read the article here: http://www.kitsapsun.com/news/2011/sep/21/east-bremerton-man-sentenced-to-3-years-in-for/

I thought it was a beautiful way to begin that article: "When Enzo Williams' family takes a family photo, the Sesame Street character Elmo now stands in his place." Thank you, Josh Farley, for taking such great care with this important article today, to broadcast to the world that at last, our family can see justice served. Indeed, we DO have a family photo I will post here later today that shows all the grandchildren - and Elmo. 

Yes, we still consider Enzo a part of the family. My sister has three children. My parents have 10 grandchildren. One of these just happens to live in another world now. We are still at a point in our grief where it would feel strange not to include Enzo in our family pictures, family count, etc. 

It has been exactly 3 weeks shy of a year of the crash. Life is moving on, and slowly, bit by bit, we have too. The grief will probably always be there, popping up in unexpected flashes. But we have experienced - and anticipate - great healing as well. The God we serve is faithful. He cannot leave us or abandon us. 

Please continue to pray for the driver's family too. Our family is satisfied to see justice served. However, we are mindful of the fact that this accident has devastated not just one family, but two. I am personally praying that Mr. Wright will be broken before His creator and surrender his soul to Jesus. I am praying that this three years in prison will change him, truly from the inside out - and that when he is released, his life will be used to make the world a better place. Please pray for his family, however the Lord puts on your heart.

Well, friends, a chapter has been closed in this story - but it can never bring Enzo back. We might have a wee bit of closure from seeing justice done, but it does not lessen the pain. We will keep updating this blog as necessary - and still would love to hear from you and any way that Enzo's short life and death has touched you. Email us InMemoryOfEnzo@gmail.com.

God's Blessings On You All Today!

Happy Birthday Sweet Enzo (March 23rd)

Hello dear friends and family - yes, this post is being written over three months later - but better late than never!

Auntie Beth and Auntie Melissa (and families) flew in from out of state for spring break! On March 23rd, we had a special day as we celebrated Enzo's birthday in the morning and then his Auntie's Amy's birthday for the rest of the day. We visited Enzo's grave and had a nice time hanging out in the sunshine. Enzo's brother and sister and several of his cousins came and released Happy Birthday balloons to Heaven.

Fast forward to right now, July! How is the family doing? At the moment, I can honestly say - good. Great, even. Grief is a strange and unpredictable journey, however, and sorrow can often wash upon us at any moment here and there. There have been some very dark days, weeks in the last nine months. Times where it felt as though there would never, ever be a light at the end of the tunnel. Times where it was hard to believe life would ever be filled with hope and laughter again. However, the light has slowly but surely grown larger - almost with the seasons we currently are in. With spring in the climate, our hearts have slowly begun to come alive with new hope and new beginnings.

More specifically, I would like to say that Enzo's mommy, Kate, is doing especially well. This doesn't mean she doesn't still grieve, but coming from an older sister's perspective, I am SO proud of her and how she has come out of the darkest valleys. Through this entire ordeal, she has kept her focus on Jesus and grown very strong and close to her Savior.  She has truly been through the fire - excruciating for her family to watch. However, through this enormous storm I have watched her cling with everything she has to the one constant in her life - God. She has held on to him with all her might and He has been faithful to bring her through it. The waters have calmed now and she is still alive, even thriving -  it doesn't seem so hard to "do life" now. I posted this verse back in December - even though it was so hard to believe, God is sure proving himself faithful to it! PSALM 66:10,12: "You have tested us, O God. You have purified us like silver... We went through fire and flood, but you brought us to a place of great abundance."

Our family has begun writing a book about the entire experience. This may be a project that takes years to complete (or not), but we will just follow the Lord's lead and see what happens. The book will probably include a lot about spiritual journeys before and after the accident, details/perspectives from the night of the accident, and things we have learned. The most important thing we would hopefully do is encourage families who are grieving. We are by no means a perfect family, but we have stuck together and I'd sure love to see other families be able to do that should they hit a road of grief.

"Tell my mom I am fine!"

Today, Enzo's cousin, Hunter, woke up and immediately told about a dream he had last night. Here are his own words, with absolutely no editing or coaching:

"So I had an image from God last night in a dream, which I think is
really cool and it was about Enzo. Ok, so I get this image that I see
Heaven and people walking around in it. And then Enzo walks up to me
and says "hey! I'm fine! How are you?" And then I said "good." And so
then he says "Thanks for the balloons you sent up to me, I really like
them." And then he said for Auntie Kate "can you tell my mom that I am
doing fine?" And then God came up and said "yeah, Enzo's doing fine."

Hunter insists that this was real - an image from God, he kept calling it. When I asked if maybe it was just a dream, he insisted that it was straight from God and absolutely would not change his mind. We immediately wrote down the dream and sent it on to the rest of the family - it has brought us great sunshine and comfort today in our souls!

The faith of children is mind-blowing. Who of us, as adults, may have been sent that dream from the Lord, only to wake up and dismiss it as our own imaginations? I imagine most of us would have let our logical sides takes over - no wonder the Lord chose to speak through a child to bring comfort to our family! 

Hunter is seven, will be eight on Tuesday, March 1st. The balloons he was referring to were the ones my kids drew pictures on and wrote messages on and sent up into the sky "for Enzo." This was the day after the memorial service, and we wanted to find a creative way for them to acknowledge their grief and say goodbye since we did not make it to the hospital in time before he died. My kids still talk about that every once in awhile and ask if I think Enzo received his balloons. I never know how to answer. :)

Bumper Stickers in memory of Enzo

A friend of the family has designed a bumper sticker with Enzo's picture, encouraging people not to text and drive. They look GREAT! They will be $6.00 each and all proceeds will help the Williams' family with their continued expenses from Enzo's death.

If you are interested in ordering one (or more), please email Ashley Litt at littashley@yahoo.com. None have been ordered yet, she just wants to get an idea for how many to order first. So email her, let her know how many you would like - and once they are ordered and available, we will set up payment options for everyone to pay.

Thank you for all of our loved ones' continued support!!! We couldn't get through this without you! Let's work to make sure Enzo's death continues to make a positive impact on our world.

Finally, an update on the accident

Hello loved ones, near and far~

It is with a heavy, yet hopeful, spirit that I tell you the Kitsap County Prosecutor's Office has filed charges against the driver of the Yukon that killed our sweet Enzo. http://www.kitsapsun.com/news/2011/feb/08/kitsap-prosecutors-file-charge-in-crash-that/

My spirit is hopeful that the Lord will use this to bring justice as well as to ensure it doesn't happen to another family. I am also hopeful, as I pray for the driver being charged, that he will be broken before the Lord and his soul will find peace and forgiveness in our wonderful savior, Jesus.

But, needless to say, my spirit is also heavy as we begin to re-live the nightmare of that time. No doubt it will be difficult as Todd and Kate possibly testify about what transpired. It will be difficult for the rest of our family who are present at any court proceedings.

Just the other day, as I (Zo's Auntie Melissa) scrap-booked 2010 for my family, I cried as I made the pages related to the accident and memorial service. In many ways, as I live 1500 miles away, my life has "moved on" in the sense that I am back to all my normal activities and have many distractions from the all-consuming pain my sister suffers - but being reminded of the pain my heart still holds - and will always hold - was enough to bring me to my knees yet again, asking God, "why?" My questions are not angry, but they simply express what my heart feels and what I cannot, in my limited human mind, understand yet.

God is good. ALL the time. Yes, our family still proclaims this. It's been four months since Enzo went to be with Jesus, and perhaps we continue to proclaim this to keep ourselves from going mad. But we know it's true. God is good - ALL the time. How can we say this still, after all we've been through? Let me ask this: where else would we go? What else would be sufficient for us to turn to? Abraham Lincoln, during the Civil War, said "I have been driven many times to my knees by the overwhelming conviction that I had nowhere else to go. My own wisdom and that of all about me seemed insufficient for the day." There simply is nowhere else to go that can bring the peace we so desperately need. God is good. ALL the time.

Please keep Sidney Wright (driver) in your prayers. Yes, he was texting and had drugs in his blood. And their family is suffering for it too. And I bet you a million dollars he wishes he wouldn't have done those things. Let's pray that he would know what it means to be forgiven by Christ, as he faces the consequences of his actions, and that he would be a changed man through all of this.

The Dream

Warning: This will be a hard post to read. Our goal of this blog is to share both our grief and our hope with everyone, but this post will give a window glimpse into the crippling grief.

A couple of weeks ago, Kate (Zo's mommy) had a dream. She describes it in her own words here:

"So last night I had the most so-real dream ever. I have never had a dream feel so real until I woke up before. Although I cannot remember all of it. :( It took place in the hospital with Zo. In the same position we were with him, the only difference was he did not have all the tubes and things everywhere. As I sat next to him, all of a sudden he opened his eyes and looked at me. Then he started breathing on his own. At that moment I picked him up and just squeezed him crying. I couldnt believe that he was going to be ok. I felt so much happiness in my dream. Todd was not in the hospital room at the time so I called him yelling with excitement!! "Zo woke up!!!!!!" I wish I could remember more of my dream. But that part is so clear as glass in my head. I will never forget it. To wake up and realize wow that was a dream, was not even describable. It feels like the situation i am in now,should be the dream; bad dream. Wish I could wake up. But I know this pain will never go away. I do mean never. I know one day it will at least be manageable."


I can only imagine how horrible it was to wake up INTO the nightmare, not feeling the relief of waking up FROM a nightmare. But the more I got to thinking about it, I realized that our time on this earth - when we are suffering - is like the nightmare, and we do have the hope of one day "waking up" from it. The day when we face death ourselves, we will then "wake up" in Heaven - a place more glorious and wonderful that our minds or imaginations can possibly conceive. Not only will we be with all of our loved ones who have gone before us, but we will be eternally in God's presence. If we can but hold on to that hope, we can get through the hard times....


Skillet sings a great song I have always enjoyed called "Don't Wake Me." After Kate told me about her dream, I couldn't believe the similarities. And when I showed her this song, she said this is exactly how she felt upon waking. You can hear it and read the lyrics here: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=x0PMrV7derw

A Year of Family - video

Happy New Year to our loved ones! (And happy birthday today to Papa/Dad and cousin Ella!) 2010 had tragedy for our family and we pray that 2011 will hold great blessings from the Lord, coming out of trials.

Kate has become quite good at making music videos on YouTube! Her most recent is titled "A Year of Family" and you can see it here: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xnixzDRKQnA. She made this in memory of Enzo. After watching it, I am so thankful that we have the family we do - and that we were given such a precious gift of Enzo's life for 6 months. Most of all, I rejoice that we will one day be reunited with Enzo - and because we all have given our lives to Jesus Christ, we will spend eternity together with God and with each other.

Kate has also made a couple of videos of Enzo's life that you can see on YouTube when you click on her username.

More writings to come soon!